The Local Teens Working to End Dating Violence
In Their Own Words: Teens Speak Out About Dating Violence
How did you decide to apply to be a Teen Peer Leader?
MIA: This will be my second year as a Teen Peer Leader. I decided to apply because the program focused on something interesting, different, and important that I wasn’t knowledgeable on but wanted to learn about.
BENJI: Mia is my classmate, and she told me it would be a good fit for me because I like to talk to other people and help them out. It’s also a chance to help fix an issue that is a problem around the world, not just in our city. I feel like I can actually change something in the world.
OSASU: I decided to apply because I like having the type of deep conversations that we have in the program about colorism, abuse and violence, and other issues. In regular life, there’s never really a good time and space to just bring it up. But in the program, it’s put in front of us, and we talk about it.
What’s something new or unexpected you learned during training this summer?
MIA: Previously, I would have thought that if I had a friend in abusive relationship, I should try to get them out myself. But I learned that that’s not how you do it. Instead, you’re there to listen to them. You don’t tell them what they “should” do. Instead of pressuring them—like saying, you have to do this, or you have to do that—you give them options and refer them to places that can help.
OSASU: I’ve learned a lot about oppression and the different privileges and lack of privileges that each person has. I’ve become way more feminist than I was before. It’s surprising how much my mind is open to that and how it’s changed. Before I knew what a feminist was and I knew about the things that people can do to harm each other, but it wasn’t as clear how feminism was a response to that. But now I see clearly how it all connects.
What’s the most important thing teens should know about dating violence?
OSASU: The main thing that teens should know is that it can happen to anybody, no matter their gender, age, sexuality, anything. That’s why all teens—why all people—should have resources and programs like this that they can reach out to.
YOILETT: Abuse often doesn’t happen right away in a relationship. It will take time for the abuser to show their true colors after they get you attached. Even if the relationship was good at first, it can still become abusive.
BENJI: Teens should know the signs of abuse, that if you see this happening a lot, you should take control and try to get out of the situation if you can. For example, he isn’t letting you hang out with your friends any more, she’s being controlling, he or she has more power than you. You need to have independence in a relationship too.
What should adults know about teen relationships and dating violence?
OSASU: Adults should take teen dating violence seriously. Some adults just see it as, “oh, it’s just a teen relationship, it’s not that serious, in a couple of years you’re gonna be over it.” But abuse does a lot of damage to teens, especially because we’re at a stage where we feel emotions strongly, are going through a lot, and might be insecure. So it’s important that adults take the time to listen if a teen says something to them about a relationship problem.
BENJI: A lot of older people tell us we’re too young to date seriously, but I feel like if teens don’t explore, we won’t learn from real life how to create healthy relationships. They’ll copy what they see in movies or TV instead. Adults should let their kids explore, but also be there for them. Pay attention to any red flags of abuse and help if you see any.
MIA: A lot of adults assume that teen relationships aren’t important or serious. But abuse does happen in teen relationships. And if it doesn’t stop now, they’ll carry what they’ve learned into their adulthood, and it will only continue.
What message would you like to share with survivors of domestic and dating violence?
OSASU: I’d want them to know that even if there are some people who don’t believe you, there are people out there who will support and help you. You are not broken. The person who was abusing you is not going to determine who you become if you don’t let it. You can still be whoever you want to be.
BENJI: To survivors who have gotten out of abusive relationship, I’d say, you did a really good job by looking out for yourself and seeking help. You’re really brave for asking for help and for fighting through to get out of that relationship. By getting out, you’re bettering your life, and you’re helping your kids if you have any.
How should a teenager—or anyone—help a friend who might be in an abusive relationship?
OSASU: The best thing you can do for a friend who’s in an abusive relationship is just support them. Don’t say, “if you don’t leave this person, then I’m not gonna be cool with you anymore.” Support them for as long as it takes. Don’t be judgmental, because as much as they explain it to you, you’ll never understand 100% the kind of attachment they’re feeling or their reasons to stay.
YOILETT: One good first step is to give them the SafeLink Hotline number to call: 1.877.785.2020. SafeLink can connect them with resources and help them figure out their options.
BENJI: It’s never a good thing to tell them to just get out, because sometimes they don’t know how to. You can’t make all the decisions for them. Don’t push too hard. They need to feel power over their own lives because the abuse has taken it away from them. They need to know, “You’re in control. You can leave to better your life, or stay in this life.” If they have control to make their own decisions, they’re gonna be able to make it out and be a survivor.
Bring the Peer Leaders to Your Teens!
This fall, the Teen Peer Leaders will be visiting schools, youth groups, community centers, sports leagues, and more around Greater Boston to share what they’ve learned with their peers. They offer a free series of workshops focusing on teen dating violence prevention, healthy relationship skills, the impact of media on interpersonal relationships, and more. They also lead discussions on issues impacting our community that contribute to community and intimate partner violence.
Click here to view our curriculum objectives. All workshops are available as a series or individual workshops, although we recommend at least three consecutive workshops. Our trainings are given by trained Peer Leaders in high school and an adult advocate who is prepared to deal with disclosures.
Please email Yumey at yespinoza@casamyrna.org to schedule a workshop series or learn more.